Nikki Allen: Breaking Patterns

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Welcome to the Internal Shift Show. I'm Debbie

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Longo, Transformational Coach. This show explores

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how the way we think, decide, and respond internally

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influences where we end up over time. Today's

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conversation draws on real experience and expertise

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to look at how small internal shifts can change

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direction, momentum, and outcome. We have a very

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special guest today, Nikki Allen. Good afternoon,

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Nikki. Welcome to the show. Thank you so much,

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Debbie, for having me. Thank you for being here.

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I'm gonna ask you to tell your story and explain

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a traumatic experience or a life change experience

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or whatever you had in your life that whatever

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happened that you were able to go through a process

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and you came out the other side and that end

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result should always be positive. And I do this

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show for a few different reasons. And one reason

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is because everybody has their own individual

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story. And there is something that a listener

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can identify with in your story, whatever that

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is. And now they could see that you went through

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a process and now you feel better than you did.

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And you went from a negative to a positive, whereas

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some people might not see that. They might not

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know that. And some people just might not know

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how to get through that. One of the things that

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we're trying to do is get people to from being

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stuck in whatever it is that they're whatever

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their situation is from being stuck to being

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more positive or being in a way that their life

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is going to be so much easier rather than the

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way that they work. So if you could start with

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telling your story, I would appreciate it. Thank

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you. Absolutely. So one of my stories that I'm

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going to share with you is I was in a toxic relationship

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many, many years ago. It was quite abusive emotionally,

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physically. And I was stuck. And it was interesting

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because I've always had a very strong personality.

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So people couldn't believe that Nikki was actually

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in this relationship. So I had to it wasn't until

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a friend who I was confiding in almost daily

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at lunch. He did this yesterday. This was what

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happened. She finally said to me, I sympathize

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with you. I hear you, but I'm hearing the same

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story every day. I give you advice. You don't

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listen to it. You come back with the same thing.

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So respectfully, I don't want to hear about this

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anymore because you are not ready to leave. I

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didn't leave right then, but it did spark the

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light bulb went off like, hey, yeah, I am saying

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the same thing. He is doing the same thing. Nikki,

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why are you still here? That's when I did what

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I call now soul surgery. Like what is making

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me stay here because people only treat you the

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way you allow them to treat you. So I had to

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understand why am I allowing this person to treat

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me this way. And when I started going through

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it, I realized That was at a point I had just

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lost my mom, my main supporter, my everything.

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I was new to LA, and I only had him and this

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one friend, and I really gravitated towards him.

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And that was, we weren't mature, we were in our

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20s, so we weren't even mature enough to handle

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that kind of relationship. I know us 20s, we

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think we know everything, but we're just starting

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life so you don't really know as much as you

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think you do. And so it went on. for at least

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seven years before I was able to just really

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finally say I'm done. And what really did it

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was the last fight because I would fight him

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back. We put each other in the hospital and I'm

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like, this cannot go on. He was like, this can't

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go on. So that was the turning point for me.

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Through that, after that, I'm a singer -songwriter.

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First and foremost, I'm also a screenplay writer,

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now author. So... I turned that story into a

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song called Love You, Hated You, which was on

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my first album. And the lyrics are, I loved you,

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I hated you, and now I'm releasing you because

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I had to go through that entire process. And

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then after that, I turned it into a screenplay.

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And then I turned the screenplay into a book,

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which has all been quite cathartic and moving

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past that. And here we are two, three decades

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later. And I'm in a positive relationship And

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I still see remnants of, I get triggers. And

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I didn't even realize they were still there.

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So it's always healing going on. There's always

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things to go, okay, I didn't heal that part.

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So it takes time, but it can be done. That was

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good, thank you. So when you were going through

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your process and you were in the abusive situation

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and your friends or whoever was telling you,

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you should get out. How did you feel? during

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that part of your process? Well, at that very

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moment, I wasn't strong enough to leave. I knew

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I should. I knew I wanted to. But we have this

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vague idea of what that love should be. And so

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I was just holding on to that because when he

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was good, he was great. And I think so many of

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us get caught up in... the moments that they're

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good and great and not the reality of the actual

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relationship being toxic and toxic. And so it

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was almost devastating and unbearable at that

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time to think that I would have to live life

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without him. But that is really what I thought.

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So how did you feel when you left? And did you

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know that you had to leave? When did that happen

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exactly? And when did you make the commitment

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to yourself or make the decision or whatever

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that you had to leave? And how did you feel about

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that? What was that part of that process? Well,

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like I said, it was the last fight when we were

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in the hospital where I'm like, I can't continue

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like this. And I want to say we were probably

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three or four years in at that point, but the

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relationship still wasn't quite over. I think

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it wasn't until maybe seven years after that.

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And mind you, we weren't together, but you have

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those comebacks that I go into another relationship,

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he go into another relationship, that didn't

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work and we'd come back together. So we had that

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cycle going after the original breakup. And if

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I'm honest, my son is 18 years old. And the last

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time I saw him, my son was probably a few months

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old. He had moved to another state. I was going

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through a divorce. He was going through a divorce.

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And ironically, decades later, we're still trying

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to come together. And so that was the last time

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I saw him. It's not the last time I heard from

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him. But if I'm honest, It wasn't until very

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recently, when I say recently, in recent years

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that I've been with my my new guy, that I'm like,

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you know what, there's no need for us to have

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any type of relationship at this point. Like,

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what for? You were never good to me. I was always

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good to you. You weren't good to me. And our

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conversations aren't about anything. So we can

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we can let this go. But he's still very much

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like my Facebook. Facebook page liking things,

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that kind of thing. So everybody's story is different

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and we want that cut and dry. It's over. I walked

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out and it was done. That's not everybody's story.

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Sometimes it's a slow burn. And I think for me,

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it was more of a slow burn and particularly because

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we were young and immature. So we were able to

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actually build a friendship. as well throughout

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the years as things started to shift, which is

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why if somebody's going, why did she go back

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after all those years? Because we did form a

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friendship. But at this point, like I'm in a

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great relationship. I don't need that kind of

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friendship flirting and talk. And it was very

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innocent, but just let it go. But it took a long

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time for me to get to that. This was three decades

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ago that this initial relationship started. So,

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you know. Yeah, that was good. Thank you. I appreciate

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that. I believe that we all have different paths

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that we go on, and I choose that path based on

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a lot of different reasons. People can present

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new opportunities to me. Sometimes I need to

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go through something in my life and learn a lesson,

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or I need to know that I cannot stay in this

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mindset anymore. So there's all different reasons

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why we have different opportunities and different

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paths to go on. But here's the thing. I all human

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beings have the ability to think for themselves

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and make decisions for themselves. We're not

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robots. So now I can choose a path of. depression,

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a path of negativity, a path of making a mistake,

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a path of denial, fear, all these different things

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are things that control me. Now, are they going

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to bring me to a positive path or a negative

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path? And sometimes I don't see that. And this

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is another thing, too. This is a lot of things

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when I teach people. These are all the different

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types of things that I explain. Like I said,

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one of the reasons why I do this podcast is so

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people can identify. But not only that, to explain

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that there are all different types of processes.

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So this is a way that coaching and stuff is going

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to help them. I'm not trying to sell myself.

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What it's about is the way that I explained it

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in the beginning of the podcast. Even if i something's

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presented to me and i decide not to do that like

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we're talking about here your abuse and this

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is extremely common and we can think of hundreds

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of things that where people abuse other people

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tons and tons but this is what we're talking

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about here something specific but even if. I

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don't take that advice or choose that path at

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that time, right? Then what's gonna happen? Then

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I'm gonna sit in the negativity until what happens

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then? Another opportunity comes up to change

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or to go on a different path. And then I say

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no. And then I sit in it again and then what

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happens again? Then another opportunity comes

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up to do something different, to get out of that.

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Now I say yes, because I'm gonna do it now. Whereas

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before, those other two times, I wasn't ready.

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And that's all there is to it. And for whatever

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reason was the reason, whatever, we could sit

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here and think of a million reasons. That's why

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I'm asking you, and you did a great job of explaining

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how you, and I ask every guest this, how do you

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feel during your process? What was the events,

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right, that you had to go through to get through

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the process, different things like that? Because

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now, somebody, and like I said, this is very

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common, abuse or spouse abuse, or however that

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person's gonna identify it, they're gonna see

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that because it's easy to be stuck in this. The

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person that's abusing me is the breadwinner.

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They make the money. I can't get a job. I need

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a place to live. I need money. I need to have

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a car. The person that's abusing me, it could

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even be a parent, doesn't matter. The person

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that's abusing me is now controlling me and giving

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me a car, giving me a place to live. All these

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different things are saying, oh, you don't have

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to pay because we're in a relationship. Different

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things like that. I'm just thinking of one example.

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So these are a lot of things, but now. If I can

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see that I don't have to have that life, now

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I can have a totally different life. Just like

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the story that you explained, because now you

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went to a totally different life. Because how

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is your life now? Is it the same as it was before?

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I don't think so, because because you just talked

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about being a singer, songwriter, author, all

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these different things. Were you that then? Was

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actually, though. I was in the middle of my career

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and he was actually very supportive of it, but

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he just didn't treat me well. Were you successful

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then as you are now? Were you happy then as you

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are now? And that's what we're trying to explain

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here about the process. I was happy with my career,

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but I was not happy in that relationship. And

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at that point in time, I was fighting with putting

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him first or me first. Now, the difference between

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that time and this time, when you say different

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life, I know how to set boundaries. I know that

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I put me first before everyone because I look

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at it like this. When you get on an airplane

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and they go through the whole, if we have an

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emergency situation, they tell you, if the oxygen

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masks deploy, take care of yourself first so

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that you are then able to take care of somebody

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else. And so In that, I am so much happier because

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I am taking care of me and anyone else is just

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frosting on the top. But I am responsible for

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me and my happiness. And how is your life now

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with all of these things that we just talked

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about? You said you were doing the singer and

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the songwriter and all these different things

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right at that time. but how is it different now

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than it was? Is it more fulfilled? Are you happier?

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Are you getting more accomplished? Different

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things like that. And we're just talking about

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this one thing, but how do you feel today based

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on everything that we just talked about, the

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whole podcast? I'm happy as happy can be, but

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I'm happy as happy can be because I just fell

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in love with myself and I realized that being

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in love with me exudes a certain light. And so

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I'm now only attracting people that fulfill me.

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People that have a vibrate low or negative energy,

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they don't even come my way because I don't think

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it's this invisible wall of goodness. And if

00:14:55.759 --> 00:14:57.679
you don't have it, you can't cross that boundary.

00:14:57.679 --> 00:15:01.320
And I'm very good. at setting boundaries. So

00:15:01.320 --> 00:15:03.919
that's why I'm happy. I love me. I love what

00:15:03.919 --> 00:15:07.200
I've established for myself. My career has been

00:15:07.200 --> 00:15:10.179
my career. It's been good. It's been great. It's

00:15:10.179 --> 00:15:13.039
had its ups. It's had its downs, but that has

00:15:13.039 --> 00:15:15.559
always been solid and I don't let that define

00:15:15.559 --> 00:15:19.759
me. It's me. It's just me. So now that I'm in

00:15:19.759 --> 00:15:23.700
love with myself in the best way possible, everything

00:15:23.700 --> 00:15:27.080
is illuminated and great grandeur, you know,

00:15:27.179 --> 00:15:29.950
better than before, but not because My career

00:15:29.950 --> 00:15:34.129
has really changed. It's me. It's just me loving

00:15:34.129 --> 00:15:38.929
me. And when I am positive, so you just explained

00:15:38.929 --> 00:15:41.110
the process of going from negative to positive.

00:15:41.590 --> 00:15:44.590
So when I'm positive, I'm constantly spilling

00:15:44.590 --> 00:15:47.669
out positive energy. And what happens? Well,

00:15:47.750 --> 00:15:50.990
what goes around comes around. What you put out

00:15:50.990 --> 00:15:53.610
comes back. You only get out of life what you

00:15:53.610 --> 00:15:55.649
put in. That's my saying. You only get out of

00:15:55.649 --> 00:15:58.580
life what you put in. So now I get the positive

00:15:58.580 --> 00:16:02.360
back. I spill out negativity. I'm in an abusive

00:16:02.360 --> 00:16:06.059
situation. I'm unhappy. I'm crying. Whatever

00:16:06.059 --> 00:16:08.379
it is, I'm depressed. That's what I'm going to

00:16:08.379 --> 00:16:10.960
give out. And that's what I'm going to get back.

00:16:11.039 --> 00:16:13.100
I'm going to get people who are depressed. If

00:16:13.100 --> 00:16:15.740
I'm depressed, I'm spilling out depressed energy.

00:16:15.799 --> 00:16:18.620
I'm going to meet people who are also depressed.

00:16:18.860 --> 00:16:22.659
That's how it works. That's based on we're like

00:16:22.659 --> 00:16:26.240
balls of energy, just like walking around. And

00:16:26.240 --> 00:16:29.440
that's based on the energy that I put out. That's

00:16:29.440 --> 00:16:32.679
why the main thing I do this in a hundred different

00:16:32.679 --> 00:16:35.980
ways and I normally don't say it at first. But

00:16:35.980 --> 00:16:38.620
the main thing is what that's going to get when

00:16:38.620 --> 00:16:41.519
I help people or anybody can help anybody do

00:16:41.519 --> 00:16:44.679
anything is they're really changing from negative

00:16:44.679 --> 00:16:47.639
to positive. It's that simple. And when I do

00:16:47.639 --> 00:16:50.860
that, my life changes. Well, the reason why my

00:16:50.860 --> 00:16:56.080
life changes is now positive. So now I'm completely

00:16:56.080 --> 00:16:59.700
different person. And not only am I putting out

00:16:59.700 --> 00:17:03.080
the positive energy, but my mindset is completely

00:17:03.080 --> 00:17:06.660
different now. That's all because of going from

00:17:06.660 --> 00:17:09.220
negative to positive. That's all that it is.

00:17:09.380 --> 00:17:13.079
It's a very simple thing. But the process like

00:17:13.079 --> 00:17:16.480
you explained your process, I spend a lot of

00:17:16.480 --> 00:17:19.599
time fighting with myself and being in denial

00:17:19.599 --> 00:17:23.880
and saying, justifying and saying it's no big

00:17:23.880 --> 00:17:26.400
deal. He pays the bills and all these different

00:17:26.400 --> 00:17:29.180
things. I need a place to live. And this is all

00:17:29.180 --> 00:17:32.259
ways that I'm fighting with myself. But if I'm

00:17:32.259 --> 00:17:35.960
presented opportunities, now it's a whole different

00:17:35.960 --> 00:17:40.140
ball game because I can see that there are ways

00:17:40.140 --> 00:17:43.559
out of the situation. I can see that I don't

00:17:43.559 --> 00:17:47.180
have to be this way anymore. And you saw that

00:17:47.180 --> 00:17:50.200
it didn't happen at first. And that's because

00:17:50.200 --> 00:17:53.019
to tell you the truth, most of the time it doesn't.

00:17:53.200 --> 00:17:55.089
You know what I mean? Because that's part of

00:17:55.089 --> 00:17:58.829
your process right off. Like congratulations

00:17:58.829 --> 00:18:01.730
to you, because that's not typical, actually.

00:18:02.369 --> 00:18:05.769
No, it really to me in my experience is it really

00:18:05.769 --> 00:18:07.829
happens. And that's really the bottom line. And

00:18:07.829 --> 00:18:10.910
there's nothing wrong with that. But again, you

00:18:10.910 --> 00:18:14.369
saw the opportunity eventually and you took it.

00:18:14.410 --> 00:18:17.289
And these are the stories that we want to talk

00:18:17.289 --> 00:18:21.900
about in this podcast. Why is that? Not only

00:18:21.900 --> 00:18:24.380
people could see there's a way out of their abuser

00:18:24.380 --> 00:18:28.339
or whatever, but now somebody is giving them

00:18:28.339 --> 00:18:32.720
an opportunity My guest on my show is giving

00:18:32.720 --> 00:18:36.559
the person an opportunity now to do something

00:18:36.559 --> 00:18:40.480
different and to show That they don't have to

00:18:40.480 --> 00:18:43.920
be in that situation anymore So not only is my

00:18:43.920 --> 00:18:46.779
guest telling the story. They are literally giving

00:18:46.779 --> 00:18:50.329
them an opportunity now they might hear the show,

00:18:50.529 --> 00:18:53.509
it's going to end, they're going to go to their

00:18:53.509 --> 00:18:56.410
job, right, like you did, and their boss is going

00:18:56.410 --> 00:18:59.089
to say, do you want, maybe they talk about something

00:18:59.089 --> 00:19:01.009
or whatever, and the boss is going to say, do

00:19:01.009 --> 00:19:03.509
you want to talk to somebody, talk to a professional

00:19:03.509 --> 00:19:05.750
or something like that, whatever the situation

00:19:05.750 --> 00:19:08.789
is. So they're giving, they now presented an

00:19:08.789 --> 00:19:12.259
opportunity. So they hear the show. They hear

00:19:12.259 --> 00:19:14.740
the guests talk about something positive, how

00:19:14.740 --> 00:19:17.460
they got through it. Now the opportunity is presented.

00:19:17.680 --> 00:19:21.000
So now as I go through this process, I'm changing

00:19:21.000 --> 00:19:23.099
my mindset. My mindset's completely changing,

00:19:23.299 --> 00:19:25.579
completely changing. And then I'm presented with

00:19:25.579 --> 00:19:28.099
the opportunity. My boss says, do you want to

00:19:28.099 --> 00:19:30.240
talk to a professional or something? And then

00:19:30.240 --> 00:19:32.579
I say, no, thank you. I don't really need that.

00:19:32.759 --> 00:19:35.420
And then the whole process starts all over again

00:19:35.420 --> 00:19:38.339
with the different people. in different situations.

00:19:38.359 --> 00:19:41.599
And this is the whole thing. So this is why these

00:19:41.599 --> 00:19:44.160
things are very, very important because people

00:19:44.160 --> 00:19:47.519
don't know. They don't understand. They just

00:19:47.519 --> 00:19:49.880
don't. They don't. It's not their fault. They

00:19:49.880 --> 00:19:51.740
don't know. And we're not saying sometimes we're

00:19:51.740 --> 00:19:55.359
just wired that way, especially if you come from.

00:19:55.759 --> 00:19:58.220
I didn't come from this, but. There are people

00:19:58.220 --> 00:20:01.220
that come from abusive families. That is their

00:20:01.220 --> 00:20:05.039
roadmap, their blueprint. So to say that's not,

00:20:05.200 --> 00:20:08.539
they really have to work through that because

00:20:08.539 --> 00:20:12.259
it's ingrained. Like this is how it goes until

00:20:12.259 --> 00:20:14.259
they finally go, I don't think this is really

00:20:14.259 --> 00:20:16.960
how this is supposed to go, but it is, it's a

00:20:16.960 --> 00:20:21.079
mindset and a boundary set and a self -love set.

00:20:21.279 --> 00:20:25.019
Yeah, you really have to. acquire those and give

00:20:25.019 --> 00:20:27.519
yourself some grace if it doesn't come easily.

00:20:27.740 --> 00:20:30.059
And this was very, very, very good. Is there

00:20:30.059 --> 00:20:32.140
anything you would like to say in closing? No,

00:20:32.140 --> 00:20:34.680
I just wish everybody to live their absolute

00:20:34.680 --> 00:20:37.380
best life and give yourself grace when you mess

00:20:37.380 --> 00:20:39.839
up. It happens. It's life and it's part of your

00:20:39.839 --> 00:20:42.359
journey because one day maybe you will be sitting

00:20:42.359 --> 00:20:46.940
on her podcast talking about your journey. Exactly.

00:20:47.259 --> 00:20:49.859
Thank you very much. I appreciate it. So as we

00:20:49.859 --> 00:20:52.720
close, this conversation is a reminder that progress

00:20:52.720 --> 00:20:55.099
really comes from one big decision, but from

00:20:55.099 --> 00:20:57.680
the internal choices we repeat. If something

00:20:57.680 --> 00:21:00.039
from today's discussion connected with you, take

00:21:00.039 --> 00:21:02.240
a moment to notice how those internal choices

00:21:02.240 --> 00:21:04.700
show up in your own life. This has been the Internal

00:21:04.700 --> 00:21:06.700
Shift Show. Thank you for listening and thank

00:21:06.700 --> 00:21:08.880
you, Nikki, for being on the show. I really appreciate

00:21:08.880 --> 00:21:09.119
it.