Identity Responsibility Monica Kaufman

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Welcome to the internal shift show where we slow

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the conversation down and explore the moments

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that quietly change how we see ourselves, our

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lives in our direction. This isn't a show about

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quick fixes or polished success stories. It's

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about the internal shifts that happen long before

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external change becomes visible. The pauses,

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the uncertainty. The re -collaboration that happens

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when old patterns stop working and clarity hasn't

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arrived yet. These are the moments that shape

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who we become, whether we acknowledge them or

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not. Today I'm joined by Monica Kaufman. Monica

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is a certified financial planner and the founder

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of Harmony Wealth Academy, but her work goes

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far beyond numbers and spreadsheets. At the core

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of what she does is identity, responsibility,

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and the international steadiness required to

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make meaningful decisions, especially when life

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feels uncertain or unresolved. Monica has lived

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inside prolonged ambiguity, building a demanding

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career, raising a family, and navigating years

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alongside a spouse with severe clinical depression.

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These experiences reshaped how she understands

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control, responsibility, and what it means to

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move forward when answers aren't clear. a calm

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grounded perspective to conversations about money,

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identity and personal agency without urgency,

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pressure or performance. This conversation isn't

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about advice. It's about reflection awareness

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and the internal shifts that quietly change everything.

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Good afternoon, Monica. Welcome to the show.

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Thank you. I'm happy to be here. Very good. Thank

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you. I really appreciate you being here. We're

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talking a little bit about These seasons that

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when you're carrying responsibility without having

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some clarity, you're doing what needs to be done.

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But internally, something is shifting before

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you have language for it. Now, I realize that

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the quiet shift often changes how you see yourself

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long before anything changes on the outside.

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Absolutely. You can't create. lasting change

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without changing the core identity. So if I want

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to simplify that a little bit and let me know

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if you agree with me on this. But I look at this

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as sort of like programming. It's like an operating

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system and you don't realize it, but you get

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one or psychologists say you get the basic framework

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of it by age six and you get it from your family.

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You get it from the environment and the culture

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around you. Now. You're not a potted plant, you

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can shift, you can move. But basically you will

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default back down to that operating personality.

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And it's how you see yourself. It's how you learn

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how to control your body and who your body is.

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It's how you learn that you are worthwhile of

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being responded to. That's why it's so important

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for parents to respond to a crying baby. And

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then you get that loving message and you learn

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these messages and who you are. And you develop

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a core identity and it's. Anything you do where

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you try to change action without understanding

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that you have to change a key piece of who you

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are based on that programming doesn't work it

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doesn't last. And frequently the impetus for

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change is usually pain. You're going through

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something is painful it's scary. There's some

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sort of emotion or negative emotion connected

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to that. And that's the impetus for you to actually

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look at that piece of the identity and say, does

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that serve? Does that serve me? Does that fit

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me? Does that reflect reality? And when it comes

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to finance, you can see it kind of clearly because

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money is nothing more than a set of tools in

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your hands. What you do with it is a reflection

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of who you are. It's just an extension of your

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arm. And so if you don't like what you're doing

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with money, you have to look at why you're doing

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it and what the messages were. And that's where

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I start with my work. I start with those money

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scripts that we've inherited. And you can look

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at that and you say, okay, so here's where this

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is showing up. This is what this is. What do

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I then do? And you do have to do an identity

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shift. And the why has to be big enough. The

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pain or the desire has to be big enough to get

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you there. It's hard. Yeah, and I agree with

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that. This is another thing that I talk about

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a lot, and this is a big thing that I teach that

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when I have a computer, the little bit of old

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language is there's a hard drive and a soft drive,

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a ROM memory and a RAM memory. We don't, a lot

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of computers have chips now. So the point is

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that everything is on the computer. Now that

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is my, the big drive, or everything that's on

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the chip is in my brain. And what I want to bring

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up, what I do is I type something in, if I want

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like a Word doc, I bring in, I type in something,

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a search, and then it comes up. So it comes out

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of that big, all that information. So what I'm

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doing is, when my brain is, my unconscious part

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is the ROM, and then my conscious part is the

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RAM. So I'm constantly bringing memories up from

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my memory bank. To me, that is just, well, first

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of all, that's basic psychology. I'm not a psychologist.

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I don't have a degree in that, but this is just

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knowledge that I have gotten from 25 years of

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working. And so that was the first thing. So

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the second thing is that these things that are

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all tools, like you said, money and whatever

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physical thing I have in my hand, the mind controls

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the body. So what do I do with these things?

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I could do something negative. I could do something

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positive. I could use it. I could not use it.

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So that's going to depend on me. So the mind

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controls everything, every single thing. And

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there is proof now that we have that the mind

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controls diseases that we get, whether you're

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depressed or not. I mean, there's there's so

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many physical ailments, just that alone. that

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is controlled by our minds. And that is what

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is going to affect a lot of this that we're talking

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about here today. I agree with that 100%. But

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I would also add that the mind and the body,

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it's one set of biochemical processes. So you

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can't expect optimal brain performance when you

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don't take care of what you feed it, how you

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rest it. You can't improve anything unless people

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get enough sleep. You can't improve anything

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if people are dehydrated. You can't feed someone

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garbage food and expect optimal performance,

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whether physically, emotionally, or intellectually.

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You just can't do it. And you have to see yourself

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as somebody who takes care of herself. And that

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for some people is a shift. Like they didn't

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see it, they didn't experience it, and they didn't

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see it modeled, and they have to aspire to it.

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want it and you can see when people do it or

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you can see when people make that shift because

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all of a sudden something changes all of a sudden

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they get something done and for me there are

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so many times when I look back and I'm like why

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am I resistant to that change because I don't

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want to see myself as someone who did this and

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it's hard it's really truly truly hard and sometimes

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it's unpleasant like We're all going through

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this moment in the country on politics and we

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have been for the past 20 years and we've become

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so divided as a country and why because Part

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of our politics has been part of our personal

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identity and that's kind of dangerous And so

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it's very very very hard as it gets polarized

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and more oppositional To say hey, wait a second.

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I don't have to agree with this person Because

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it it's like saying oh my god There's a part

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of me that I have to let go of because there's

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a belief here. That's that's difficult and It's

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unfortunate. It's like that's the one thing that

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I regret on all of that There's no reason for

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us to not get along because we disagree on some

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of the stuff. There's just no reason I don't

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have to agree with everybody but when I look

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at I Look at everything that I've been through.

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I've had to shift how I see myself There have

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been moments that I look back at that. I'm not

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proud of But I've had to shift to see myself

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and in order for me to give myself permission

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to do what I've done It was like I saw during

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the pandemic during the first time we got 42

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appointments. I've never had that many appointments

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in one week the second week I had 44 and these

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were people who were making good money and they

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were Financially just absolutely petrified. I

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never want to see that degree of fear in my life

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I've felt that fear before I've gone through

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that being around that was just painful. I was

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it was awful and so for me when I look at this,

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it's like Responsibility is the flip side of

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freedom everybody. I believe everybody was created

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to be free which means response of all and if

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you don't take responsibility for your health,

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your emotional health, your financial health,

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your social health, any of those key parts of

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who you are, somebody else will. I don't want

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that in somebody else's hands. I want that in

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your hands. And in order for you to do that and

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to have the courage to step into a role that

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maybe you weren't encouraged to learn, let me

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back up a little bit. We have a problem in this

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country when it comes to money in that The industry

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estimates that about 80 % of the American public

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does not understand how to use the financial

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system 80 % But this is not new it's been going

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on for about four to five generation depending

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on how you calculate this So people don't know

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the system and then they go and they look for

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somebody to help them and they're scared They're

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feeling vulnerable. They're having an issue.

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I spoke to a couple about a year ago They're

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elderly and they needed to get some documents

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done and they were really resisting an attorney's

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effort to get them to move. So I was talking

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to them and both of them had had bad experiences

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with lawyers in the past. And one of them in

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particular, both of them had grown up during

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the depression and their families had been hit

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hard by the depression. So they've got that programming.

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Their adult experiences with attorneys was not

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positive. They're going, why do we need to do

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this? And I looked them in the eyes and I said,

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ultimately it's about you. exercising control,

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you saying what you want and what you don't want,

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you actually giving a roadmap to your family

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so that they can paint by the numbers and do

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only what you want them to do. And people have

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this sort of naive wish, which I'm a mom, I get

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it. Oh, everything's going to be fine. They'll

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work together. Well, the biggest gift you can

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give them is the roadmap so that they know what

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they need to do so that they don't fight so that

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they You enable that by giving them structure.

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And so the only way you shift the identity is

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actually set the boundaries and create systems

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around you that nudge you in the right direction.

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And you can't do it overnight. You can't undo

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years of programming in one night. You just can't

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do it. The whole system collapses. Yes, I agree

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with that. Also, another thing I noticed that

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a lot of people are highly competent on the outside

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while feeling unsettled on the inside. And the

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gap between performance and steadiness often

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shows up quietly, especially around money and

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control, which was something that we talked about.

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It's not a lack of intelligence or effort. It's

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a lack of internal alignment. So think about

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it this way. I remember I walked into a chamber

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of commerce meeting. And I wound up talking to

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one of the women there. She said, oh, I know

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that this is a good financial advisor. Why? Because

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this person who has money told me that they're

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a good advisor. Well, how do you know that they

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have money? Oh, I know that they have money.

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How? And I got a little aggressive about this

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for a reason. And she said, well, I know where

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they live. I know what they drive. Have you ever

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heard the phrase, all hat, no cattle? And that's

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a phrase that was made popular in my head when

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they were quoting in The Millionaire Next Door,

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a multimillionaire down here in Texas. He said

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that people who have money are usually not the

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ones who flaunted. They're not the ones wearing

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the labels. They don't care. They're not looking

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for approval. They're not looking for you to

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say this is a successful person. I have known

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very successful professionals who spent all their

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money on the appearance and the trappings of

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wealth without actually building wealth. And

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then the other pieces people forget. Income isn't

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wealth you use income to build wealth and that

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is a different process and it takes the adult

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self -control to say you know what I value future

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me as Much if not more than I value present me

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present me is future me is not What do I need

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to do to take care of future me and that's another

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thing was like, you know You are valuable you

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matter and your future you matters So I want

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you to take care of future you and that that

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also requires an identity shift that requires

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a massive identity shift. No one should care

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more about your outcome than you. So, yeah, so

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a lot of that, too, I got out of that is building

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self -esteem and do I build self -esteem from

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the inside or from the outside? And wealth is

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considered. To me, a lot of, yeah, it's considered

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making a lot of money and having a lot of money

00:14:13.700 --> 00:14:16.740
in the bank and being able to buy a nice car,

00:14:16.799 --> 00:14:19.240
a nice house, but it means something different

00:14:19.240 --> 00:14:22.019
to other people. Some people who are very, very

00:14:22.019 --> 00:14:25.519
wealthy do not have nice cars and they have a

00:14:25.519 --> 00:14:27.639
regular car and a regular house and you would

00:14:27.639 --> 00:14:30.679
never know. You would never know that they have

00:14:30.679 --> 00:14:33.240
like tons of money. And then the other thing

00:14:33.240 --> 00:14:36.519
too is if you have money, does that make you

00:14:36.519 --> 00:14:39.730
happy? We don't know that because it might not.

00:14:39.909 --> 00:14:42.309
Am I happy on the inside? And that's building

00:14:42.309 --> 00:14:44.970
self -esteem to me. So the way I look at this

00:14:44.970 --> 00:14:47.889
and the transfer that I ask people to make is

00:14:47.889 --> 00:14:50.830
I ask them to see money as the tool with which

00:14:50.830 --> 00:14:53.610
you build your life. It's not positive. It's

00:14:53.610 --> 00:14:56.710
not negative. It reflects your decisions. Even,

00:14:56.909 --> 00:14:59.049
and I realize this, I'm facing some difficult

00:14:59.049 --> 00:15:01.149
things I need to get done in the past next six

00:15:01.149 --> 00:15:03.669
months or so. And I realized that I was making

00:15:03.669 --> 00:15:07.659
some bad, impulsive decisions. Because I was

00:15:07.659 --> 00:15:09.759
under stress and it was emotionally difficult

00:15:09.759 --> 00:15:12.279
for me to make an identity shift. So I was reverting

00:15:12.279 --> 00:15:15.559
back to some bad inherited habits. So it's a

00:15:15.559 --> 00:15:17.879
lifetime journey of saying, all right, if I fall,

00:15:17.940 --> 00:15:19.399
I'm going to get right back up. I'm going to

00:15:19.399 --> 00:15:21.139
become aware and I'm going to make the shift

00:15:21.139 --> 00:15:23.659
that I'm going to do what I need to do. But the

00:15:23.659 --> 00:15:28.299
other pieces that when you understand that money

00:15:28.299 --> 00:15:30.720
is nothing more than a tool with which to take

00:15:30.720 --> 00:15:34.350
care of yourself. it allows you to say, yeah,

00:15:34.350 --> 00:15:36.750
I'm gonna buy the nice house and yeah, I'm gonna

00:15:36.750 --> 00:15:39.610
buy the nice car, but maybe I'll buy the nice

00:15:39.610 --> 00:15:41.490
car and take care of it for the next eight years.

00:15:41.809 --> 00:15:43.909
There are certain habits that the millionaire

00:15:43.909 --> 00:15:46.610
next door demonstrates that people do. Yes, they

00:15:46.610 --> 00:15:49.529
buy nice houses. Yes, they take care of them.

00:15:49.889 --> 00:15:51.889
Part of having the nice house and having it stay

00:15:51.889 --> 00:15:54.289
the nice house is that you take care of it. One

00:15:54.289 --> 00:15:56.909
of the things that people who are financially

00:15:56.909 --> 00:16:02.179
successful and build out well do is they They

00:16:02.179 --> 00:16:05.179
take care of themselves. They take care of themselves

00:16:05.179 --> 00:16:07.320
and it's it's not because they want approval

00:16:07.320 --> 00:16:09.159
from anybody else. That's the whole question.

00:16:09.200 --> 00:16:10.779
Are you doing it because you want other people's

00:16:10.779 --> 00:16:12.539
approval or an acknowledgement? Are you doing

00:16:12.539 --> 00:16:14.899
it because you're looking for status? You're

00:16:14.899 --> 00:16:18.120
looking for acceptance. You're looking for is

00:16:18.120 --> 00:16:20.000
you're filling some other need or you doing it

00:16:20.000 --> 00:16:22.480
because you value yourself. And if you value

00:16:22.480 --> 00:16:25.100
yourself, it's a hell of a lot easier to sustain

00:16:25.100 --> 00:16:30.360
me. Ultimately, if I walk in to a room. I want

00:16:30.360 --> 00:16:32.279
the people who are there for me to want me because

00:16:32.279 --> 00:16:34.759
of me, not because of how I'm dressed. That doesn't

00:16:34.759 --> 00:16:36.220
mean I don't want to be appropriate for whoever

00:16:36.220 --> 00:16:40.399
I am, if that makes sense. Yeah, I agree 100

00:16:40.399 --> 00:16:45.120
% with that. Going in another direction, talking

00:16:45.120 --> 00:16:49.799
about planning and positive things that we can

00:16:49.799 --> 00:16:51.379
do for ourselves, which is what we're talking

00:16:51.379 --> 00:16:55.179
about here. Eventually, planning loses its power.

00:16:55.480 --> 00:16:58.720
Because when I plan, right? Why am I planning?

00:16:58.840 --> 00:17:02.299
What am I planning for? And then action, which

00:17:02.299 --> 00:17:04.940
is part of the planning, only becomes possible

00:17:04.940 --> 00:17:08.259
when it's rooted in self -trust, not urgency,

00:17:08.380 --> 00:17:11.839
pressure, or fear of falling behind. Without

00:17:11.839 --> 00:17:14.579
that internal grounding, even the best plans

00:17:14.579 --> 00:17:17.799
tend to stall. Absolutely. So here's the thing.

00:17:17.839 --> 00:17:20.059
Have you ever written out a bunch of New Year's

00:17:20.059 --> 00:17:22.329
resolutions? Have you ever had a plan for the

00:17:22.329 --> 00:17:24.849
New Year's resolutions? How long did you stay

00:17:24.849 --> 00:17:27.210
on the plan for the New Year's resolutions? Two

00:17:27.210 --> 00:17:30.289
weeks? Got it. You did better than the average

00:17:30.289 --> 00:17:32.069
American. The average American doesn't make a

00:17:32.069 --> 00:17:34.990
past January 9th, I believe is National Quitting

00:17:34.990 --> 00:17:37.789
Day. So we talk about goals and we talk about

00:17:37.789 --> 00:17:41.089
them the wrong way. And the science shows this.

00:17:41.349 --> 00:17:43.869
It's kind of funny. It's like, all right. You're

00:17:43.869 --> 00:17:47.170
going to only sustain the action if you believe

00:17:47.170 --> 00:17:49.950
this is the person you are meant to be and that

00:17:49.950 --> 00:17:52.109
you are coming now we didn't talk about this

00:17:52.109 --> 00:17:54.450
before but. The mind is not there to make you

00:17:54.450 --> 00:17:57.230
happy the mind is there to keep you alive and

00:17:57.230 --> 00:18:00.069
the mind is a phenomenal prediction machine based

00:18:00.069 --> 00:18:04.250
on prior behavior and prior observation so your

00:18:04.250 --> 00:18:06.710
subconscious is not gonna let you feel confident

00:18:06.710 --> 00:18:09.690
until they believe you're actually doing it.

00:18:09.890 --> 00:18:12.910
So how do you build it. You have to build evidence

00:18:12.910 --> 00:18:16.190
that the subconscious will accept. So one of

00:18:16.190 --> 00:18:18.009
the things that I will say to people is I have

00:18:18.009 --> 00:18:21.930
a bunch of whiteboard dry erase boards, calendar

00:18:21.930 --> 00:18:25.109
boards, and I will put it in there and I will

00:18:25.109 --> 00:18:28.069
put in, I did this, I did this, whatever the

00:18:28.069 --> 00:18:31.289
goals are, like whatever the, whether it's prayer,

00:18:31.730 --> 00:18:34.990
whether it's exercise, whether it's journaling,

00:18:35.009 --> 00:18:37.690
and I'll put it down so that I can see that I

00:18:37.690 --> 00:18:39.710
got it done on that day. And it's right there.

00:18:39.829 --> 00:18:44.089
If I'm looking at change on my money, I had one

00:18:44.089 --> 00:18:46.329
client tell me that many years ago he got himself

00:18:46.329 --> 00:18:49.049
into credit card debt and he got himself into

00:18:49.049 --> 00:18:51.210
a problem where his credit was absolutely in

00:18:51.210 --> 00:18:54.630
the sewer and makes a lot of money. So he turned

00:18:54.630 --> 00:18:56.650
around and what he did was every morning the

00:18:56.650 --> 00:18:59.190
first thing he did when he got up was he logged

00:18:59.190 --> 00:19:01.609
online and he checked his bank accounts. Where

00:19:01.609 --> 00:19:04.069
were they? He knew when each bill was going out,

00:19:04.089 --> 00:19:06.690
he set it up on automatic payment and he mentally

00:19:06.690 --> 00:19:09.750
grounded himself about his finances by looking

00:19:09.750 --> 00:19:13.069
at it every day. And initially that wasn't pleasant

00:19:13.069 --> 00:19:16.089
because the numbers were not good, but they didn't

00:19:16.089 --> 00:19:19.390
get better until he focused on them as painful

00:19:19.390 --> 00:19:24.650
as they were and he embraced the sock to do it.

00:19:24.869 --> 00:19:28.549
So he created that system and that pattern and

00:19:28.549 --> 00:19:30.470
he said he still gets up every morning and he

00:19:30.470 --> 00:19:33.299
starts that way. And because of him, I set it

00:19:33.299 --> 00:19:36.940
up so that I have a calendar that shows up like

00:19:36.940 --> 00:19:40.079
on my wall as I walk out of my bedroom, you can

00:19:40.079 --> 00:19:42.779
see this is when this is going out. This is when

00:19:42.779 --> 00:19:47.059
this is going out. And that way I know and I

00:19:47.059 --> 00:19:50.220
see it. And it makes me stop and look and say,

00:19:50.519 --> 00:19:52.779
hey, I need to make sure there's enough money

00:19:52.779 --> 00:19:55.559
in that account to make sure that that gets paid.

00:19:55.819 --> 00:19:58.099
So it's really just a question of knowing yourself

00:19:58.099 --> 00:20:00.240
and the more you do it the more your subconscious

00:20:00.240 --> 00:20:03.019
accepts Hey, this is who this person is. This

00:20:03.019 --> 00:20:07.460
is who I am so if you give charity and you set

00:20:07.460 --> 00:20:09.759
this up on a regular basis and say I'm a charitable

00:20:09.759 --> 00:20:12.859
person and You see yourself doing it and you

00:20:12.859 --> 00:20:15.140
automate it and you acknowledge it. You say hey,

00:20:15.220 --> 00:20:18.240
I did it. I got it done It's easier for your

00:20:18.240 --> 00:20:21.299
subconscious to believe you And then the other

00:20:21.299 --> 00:20:23.160
piece that I do is, and this is something that

00:20:23.160 --> 00:20:26.359
I walk through with people, is it's very difficult

00:20:26.359 --> 00:20:31.099
to overcome fear when you're, when you have legitimate

00:20:31.099 --> 00:20:34.299
fears about getting knocked off track. So the

00:20:34.299 --> 00:20:36.180
first thing I do with people while we're working

00:20:36.180 --> 00:20:39.279
on the emotional pieces is I take them through

00:20:39.279 --> 00:20:42.660
and we build what I call defenses. So imagine

00:20:42.660 --> 00:20:46.000
you're on a path and what we're doing is we're

00:20:46.000 --> 00:20:47.759
setting up guardrails so that you can't get knocked

00:20:47.759 --> 00:20:50.220
off the path. She may get knocked down or you

00:20:50.220 --> 00:20:52.380
may slow down and you may stop, but you're not

00:20:52.380 --> 00:20:55.359
going to get knocked off. So I think of that

00:20:55.359 --> 00:20:57.519
like, what's the old phrase about resilience?

00:20:57.859 --> 00:21:00.200
What's resilience? You get knocked down five

00:21:00.200 --> 00:21:03.140
times, you get back up six. So by doing that,

00:21:03.240 --> 00:21:05.759
you build in resilience, you build up defenses

00:21:05.759 --> 00:21:08.640
and we talk about what those defenses are. And

00:21:08.640 --> 00:21:10.559
then once you know, you have those defenses.

00:21:11.160 --> 00:21:13.420
And you have some of the emotional groundwork

00:21:13.420 --> 00:21:16.180
of, hey, I've got some wins here. I've done this.

00:21:16.480 --> 00:21:19.079
I can start taking on the bigger ones. We start

00:21:19.079 --> 00:21:21.359
taking them on one at a time and build up what

00:21:21.359 --> 00:21:26.640
we call adversity quotient. So dopamine is our

00:21:26.640 --> 00:21:29.299
goal acquisition chemical. It makes it possible

00:21:29.299 --> 00:21:32.740
for us to do hard things. And the more hard things

00:21:32.740 --> 00:21:35.940
we do, legitimately do, you can't lie to your

00:21:35.940 --> 00:21:38.750
subconscious. the more hard things we can do.

00:21:39.009 --> 00:21:41.049
The dopamine resets at a higher level. That's

00:21:41.049 --> 00:21:44.109
part of the reason why gambling and some of the

00:21:44.109 --> 00:21:47.150
other things like promiscuity, porn, all that

00:21:47.150 --> 00:21:50.349
other stuff, what it does is it resets your dopamine

00:21:50.349 --> 00:21:53.329
lower. So you feel worse at the end of the day.

00:21:53.730 --> 00:21:55.670
And that's what that addiction thing is. So when

00:21:55.670 --> 00:21:58.519
you want to feel better and more confident, By

00:21:58.519 --> 00:22:00.980
building up your adversity quotient, taking on

00:22:00.980 --> 00:22:02.880
the hard stuff, whether it's taking on the credit

00:22:02.880 --> 00:22:05.279
card debt, whether it's building up the emergency

00:22:05.279 --> 00:22:07.640
fund, whether it's, oh my goodness, I don't want

00:22:07.640 --> 00:22:10.519
to work forever. How do I start saving for retirement?

00:22:11.279 --> 00:22:14.339
I once saw a couple many years ago, they were

00:22:14.339 --> 00:22:16.000
working with another advisor and I was new to

00:22:16.000 --> 00:22:20.039
the industry and they let me sit in. And they,

00:22:20.400 --> 00:22:22.599
in their 50s, in their early 50s, realized they

00:22:22.599 --> 00:22:24.460
were in debt up to their eyeballs. Their last

00:22:24.460 --> 00:22:26.299
child graduated from college. They said, you're

00:22:26.299 --> 00:22:29.259
on your own for grad school. And they said, oh

00:22:29.259 --> 00:22:31.160
my God, we don't have enough money for retirement.

00:22:31.599 --> 00:22:34.660
So they redid their lifestyle. She went back

00:22:34.660 --> 00:22:38.259
to work. They saved one income. They lived off

00:22:38.259 --> 00:22:40.819
the other while also increasing his retirement

00:22:40.819 --> 00:22:45.539
savings. And they cut back their spending. And

00:22:45.539 --> 00:22:49.609
what happened was, and they invested. pretty

00:22:49.609 --> 00:22:52.369
intelligently, they wound up 12 years later in

00:22:52.369 --> 00:22:54.089
a position where they could retire comfortably.

00:22:54.470 --> 00:22:56.990
So you can turn it around. You have to decide

00:22:56.990 --> 00:22:59.109
that you want to turn it around. Conversely,

00:22:59.190 --> 00:23:04.549
I know somebody who in his late 40s wound up

00:23:04.549 --> 00:23:08.349
in the 70s. He was an architect and he started

00:23:08.349 --> 00:23:10.910
a business with a business partner, partner developed

00:23:10.910 --> 00:23:13.529
a gambling problem. And this was way back when,

00:23:13.529 --> 00:23:15.509
when they didn't have the limited liability company,

00:23:15.529 --> 00:23:18.660
you had partnerships. and your personal debts

00:23:18.660 --> 00:23:22.059
became the partner's debts. And the partner's

00:23:22.059 --> 00:23:24.799
debts from gambling took both of them down and

00:23:24.799 --> 00:23:27.420
took the business down. So he wound up getting

00:23:27.420 --> 00:23:29.500
divorced, wound up having to go through bankruptcy,

00:23:30.200 --> 00:23:33.799
came out of that, rebuilt and retired comfortably.

00:23:34.079 --> 00:23:37.380
He has succeeded. Everybody gets knocked down.

00:23:37.400 --> 00:23:39.019
The question is, how quickly do you get back

00:23:39.019 --> 00:23:41.900
up? Do you learn from it? And how strong do you

00:23:41.900 --> 00:23:44.509
allow yourself to become? Yeah thank you for

00:23:44.509 --> 00:23:49.589
that so these are all very good suggestions examples

00:23:49.589 --> 00:23:54.309
things that we're talking about here but. These

00:23:54.309 --> 00:23:58.809
things will eventually make me positive and that

00:23:58.809 --> 00:24:04.369
will change my life completely change my life

00:24:04.369 --> 00:24:08.880
totally around. But how do I get there? And some

00:24:08.880 --> 00:24:11.779
of these different examples and stuff that you're

00:24:11.779 --> 00:24:14.619
talking about is how you're going to get there.

00:24:14.819 --> 00:24:20.779
But I need a solid plan about exactly how to

00:24:20.779 --> 00:24:24.759
do this because I could say, let's do this and

00:24:24.759 --> 00:24:28.579
this. But how is the person going to know exactly

00:24:28.579 --> 00:24:31.700
how to get to that point? Because that is a process.

00:24:31.880 --> 00:24:35.119
So first I do A. How do I get to C? First I do

00:24:35.119 --> 00:24:39.579
A and B. I don't go from A to C. So another thing

00:24:39.579 --> 00:24:45.059
that I teach is not only that, but what is my

00:24:45.059 --> 00:24:47.380
goal? What is my ultimate goal in life? What

00:24:47.380 --> 00:24:50.460
do I want to succeed? What is my goals and dreams?

00:24:50.819 --> 00:24:53.680
Where do I want to get to? So I'm here and I

00:24:53.680 --> 00:24:57.099
want to get to there. So maybe I'm a housewife.

00:24:57.369 --> 00:25:00.430
And i want to get like a part time job and i've

00:25:00.430 --> 00:25:03.650
never worked before never so that's a whole process.

00:25:03.880 --> 00:25:06.720
to get from a housewife just to get to a part

00:25:06.720 --> 00:25:09.460
-time job or even maybe I want to have a child

00:25:09.460 --> 00:25:11.960
and I just got married I never had children before

00:25:11.960 --> 00:25:15.220
that's a whole process so this is the thing so

00:25:15.220 --> 00:25:18.240
how do I want to go into that do I want and this

00:25:18.240 --> 00:25:20.900
is a question for the listener or whatever I

00:25:20.900 --> 00:25:23.839
mean we can answer but the point is that I like

00:25:23.839 --> 00:25:27.220
to leave things with questions because that way

00:25:27.220 --> 00:25:29.839
it kind of gets the listener to really think

00:25:29.839 --> 00:25:32.880
about what we're talking about here Because the

00:25:32.880 --> 00:25:35.960
solutions are in this discussion, what we're

00:25:35.960 --> 00:25:39.400
talking about. So now I want to know, how do

00:25:39.400 --> 00:25:41.579
I get to these places? And like I said, that's

00:25:41.579 --> 00:25:44.460
a process. But do I want to go through this process?

00:25:44.579 --> 00:25:47.480
Do I have the willingness to understand that

00:25:47.480 --> 00:25:50.039
I really want to get there? Or am I going to

00:25:50.039 --> 00:25:52.980
get there on my own and jump into it and not

00:25:52.980 --> 00:25:56.480
know what's going to happen and just push the

00:25:56.480 --> 00:25:58.859
process forward? And then when that happens,

00:25:59.059 --> 00:26:00.839
we don't know what's going to happen. We don't

00:26:00.839 --> 00:26:03.279
know what the result is going to be because there's

00:26:03.279 --> 00:26:06.000
no preparation. There's no understanding of the

00:26:06.000 --> 00:26:09.319
process. There's nobody helping me that has the

00:26:09.319 --> 00:26:11.440
experience and everything. So I'm just going

00:26:11.440 --> 00:26:13.960
to push forward and I've never done this before

00:26:13.960 --> 00:26:16.400
and I don't ask nobody. And we don't know what's

00:26:16.400 --> 00:26:17.960
going to happen. People do this all the time

00:26:17.960 --> 00:26:21.279
and then they fail. And then they say, oh, I

00:26:21.279 --> 00:26:23.400
failed at that. I'm no good. Let's try something

00:26:23.400 --> 00:26:25.059
else. They do the same thing over. They do the

00:26:25.059 --> 00:26:27.759
same thing again. And then they say, oh, I failed.

00:26:27.960 --> 00:26:29.839
Let's try something else. And then, oh, I'm no

00:26:29.839 --> 00:26:31.480
good at anything. I'm not going to accomplish

00:26:31.480 --> 00:26:33.160
anything in my life. And that's going to be the

00:26:33.160 --> 00:26:35.400
end of the discussion. And this stuff I hear

00:26:35.400 --> 00:26:37.779
all the time. And I know I hear it. And I hear

00:26:37.779 --> 00:26:39.799
it all the time. And it drives me a little bit

00:26:39.799 --> 00:26:42.700
crazy. And my usual response to that is, so are

00:26:42.700 --> 00:26:45.420
you willing to accept your inevitable road into

00:26:45.420 --> 00:26:47.680
despair? Do you really just want to live? Do

00:26:47.680 --> 00:26:49.599
you really want to be where you are? Is being

00:26:49.599 --> 00:26:51.880
where you are, being stuck where you are, good

00:26:51.880 --> 00:26:54.519
enough for you that you are willing to stay there?

00:26:54.680 --> 00:26:56.880
And one of the things that i do with people and

00:26:56.880 --> 00:26:58.579
it's funny that you mention this is i'll look

00:26:58.579 --> 00:27:00.859
at people say okay she you don't think you can

00:27:00.859 --> 00:27:02.680
handle this because up until now you haven't

00:27:02.680 --> 00:27:06.359
been able to. Why and i'll start with the beliefs

00:27:06.359 --> 00:27:09.460
because identity creates beliefs which shape

00:27:09.460 --> 00:27:11.460
your emotions which then create your thoughts

00:27:11.460 --> 00:27:13.859
and your actions and it becomes a biofeedback

00:27:13.859 --> 00:27:17.470
loop. So to get out of the loop, let's identify

00:27:17.470 --> 00:27:21.089
what went wrong with that identity, that OS that

00:27:21.089 --> 00:27:23.750
was given to you. And I don't think there's any

00:27:23.750 --> 00:27:25.470
malice from the people that gave it to you. Maybe

00:27:25.470 --> 00:27:28.390
there was, but let's assume there wasn't. Maybe

00:27:28.390 --> 00:27:30.710
it reflected their lived experience. Maybe it

00:27:30.710 --> 00:27:33.730
reflected their exposure. Maybe it reflected

00:27:33.730 --> 00:27:37.509
just a combination of things. So we don't have

00:27:37.509 --> 00:27:39.289
to be negative about the people who gave it to

00:27:39.289 --> 00:27:41.809
you, but whatever it is, you need to decide whether

00:27:41.809 --> 00:27:45.240
it's serving you or not. And if you look at it,

00:27:45.240 --> 00:27:47.559
you say, you know what, I really hate this about

00:27:47.559 --> 00:27:51.559
me. Do you hate it enough to look it in the eyes

00:27:51.559 --> 00:27:53.539
and say, I'm ashamed of it and I'm never going

00:27:53.539 --> 00:27:56.220
back to it. And I don't have to live like that.

00:27:56.299 --> 00:28:02.619
There's nothing morally valuable in living like

00:28:02.619 --> 00:28:05.220
that. You were not meant to sit there and suffer

00:28:05.220 --> 00:28:08.160
and then fail and think it's inevitable. I guess

00:28:08.160 --> 00:28:10.420
we're supposed to refine ourselves. Like I think

00:28:10.420 --> 00:28:13.579
we're supposed to strive to be better. It's not

00:28:13.579 --> 00:28:15.720
gonna be an overnight thing and it's okay when

00:28:15.720 --> 00:28:17.880
you fall as long as you learn somebody once said

00:28:17.880 --> 00:28:22.859
to me I play to win and if I don't win I Learn

00:28:22.859 --> 00:28:26.339
and then I get up and I play again and I win

00:28:26.339 --> 00:28:30.539
so I always win So as long as there's still life

00:28:30.539 --> 00:28:34.359
as long as you don't quit So maybe path a didn't

00:28:34.359 --> 00:28:37.519
work or maybe you weren't prepared for path a

00:28:37.519 --> 00:28:40.750
what about path B C and D? Just because road

00:28:40.750 --> 00:28:43.769
a doesn't work doesn't mean you change the destination

00:28:43.769 --> 00:28:47.650
It means you change either yourself your tools

00:28:47.650 --> 00:28:50.809
your companions or your path or sometimes it's

00:28:50.809 --> 00:28:53.529
a combination I am with you. I'm so with you,

00:28:53.529 --> 00:28:56.130
but I just sort of I get a little frustrated

00:28:56.130 --> 00:28:58.990
with this too And when I start with people we

00:28:58.990 --> 00:29:03.470
start with the mindset What is that OS and where

00:29:03.470 --> 00:29:06.690
is it not serving you and then we talk about

00:29:06.690 --> 00:29:10.299
the antidote? And that's sort of a workshop where

00:29:10.299 --> 00:29:12.119
it's like, look, this is the millionaire narc

00:29:12.119 --> 00:29:15.000
store. These are the antidotes to the inherited

00:29:15.000 --> 00:29:17.799
belief systems, the archetypes that you inherited.

00:29:18.359 --> 00:29:22.039
And you get to decide what you keep and what

00:29:22.039 --> 00:29:26.539
you leave by the wayside. I said to somebody

00:29:26.539 --> 00:29:29.019
a long time ago, we were talking, and I said,

00:29:29.680 --> 00:29:32.299
sometimes you need to tell the six -year -old

00:29:32.299 --> 00:29:37.089
version of you lovingly. But hey, I appreciate

00:29:37.089 --> 00:29:39.589
what you're trying to do, but you're not in charge

00:29:39.589 --> 00:29:42.569
today. And what I really mean by that is your

00:29:42.569 --> 00:29:44.809
program, that's what you were given at six, if

00:29:44.809 --> 00:29:48.089
you succeed in other areas of your life, but

00:29:48.089 --> 00:29:51.509
you haven't succeeded here, the adult you is

00:29:51.509 --> 00:29:54.710
in charge in those other areas. Let's take the

00:29:54.710 --> 00:29:56.829
adult you and put the adult you in charge of

00:29:56.829 --> 00:29:59.450
the money, teach you the system to make it work

00:29:59.450 --> 00:30:02.109
for you, and then let you figure out how you

00:30:02.109 --> 00:30:05.230
wanna make it work for you. Think people need

00:30:05.230 --> 00:30:07.230
to give themselves permission to succeed and

00:30:07.230 --> 00:30:11.329
so many people think it's it's There's virtue

00:30:11.329 --> 00:30:14.630
in not there's virtue in staying stuck that they

00:30:14.630 --> 00:30:17.509
don't deserve it you need to forgive yourself

00:30:17.509 --> 00:30:22.589
for your mistakes and Allow yourself to do better.

00:30:23.049 --> 00:30:26.750
Yes agreed and this was an Excellent excellent

00:30:26.750 --> 00:30:31.509
excellent conversation. I hope somebody Somebody

00:30:31.509 --> 00:30:34.859
out there got something out of it And these will

00:30:34.859 --> 00:30:38.380
land as reflections, not directives. And they

00:30:38.380 --> 00:30:41.500
leave Monica complete freedom to enter the conversation

00:30:41.500 --> 00:30:45.380
where it feels most real to her. This conversation

00:30:45.380 --> 00:30:48.200
is a reminder that real change doesn't announce

00:30:48.200 --> 00:30:51.759
itself loudly. It often derives quietly through

00:30:51.759 --> 00:30:54.319
awareness, discomfort, and the courage to stop

00:30:54.319 --> 00:30:57.220
pretending we're fine when something inside has

00:30:57.220 --> 00:31:00.059
already shifted. What i think people also need

00:31:00.059 --> 00:31:02.539
to do is when they feel that sense that something

00:31:02.539 --> 00:31:05.859
is shifting inside. Look very carefully at the

00:31:05.859 --> 00:31:09.400
people around you and say do these people want

00:31:09.400 --> 00:31:12.900
me to succeed or do these people have a conception

00:31:12.900 --> 00:31:17.099
of me where they feel better about me if i stay

00:31:17.099 --> 00:31:21.440
where i am you don't. Overshare you need to do

00:31:21.440 --> 00:31:25.039
it very quietly and share very carefully Because

00:31:25.039 --> 00:31:27.720
when you change a dance your dance partner is

00:31:27.720 --> 00:31:30.279
going to want you to change back and it will

00:31:30.279 --> 00:31:34.859
take being very intentional to decide Who has

00:31:34.859 --> 00:31:37.299
the right to still be your dance partner? I mean

00:31:37.299 --> 00:31:39.160
there are people that are no longer a part of

00:31:39.160 --> 00:31:43.839
my life Because I made changes that I had to

00:31:43.839 --> 00:31:47.420
make that I wanted to make You don't have to

00:31:47.420 --> 00:31:49.240
make a big deal. It's not open for discussion.

00:31:49.240 --> 00:31:52.900
It's not an argument It's just who I was becoming

00:31:52.900 --> 00:31:55.839
who I am becoming and then when I see myself

00:31:55.839 --> 00:31:59.480
differently inside I see myself differently outside.

00:31:59.779 --> 00:32:02.759
So it's all perspective. Everything is perspective

00:32:02.759 --> 00:32:05.920
I could say your shirt is black and then you

00:32:05.920 --> 00:32:09.539
say no my shirt is blue, but I see it as black

00:32:09.539 --> 00:32:13.119
So so that's the thing and everything this is

00:32:13.119 --> 00:32:15.430
everything that you're talking about this is

00:32:15.430 --> 00:32:21.569
really a good way to sum it up because if I want

00:32:21.569 --> 00:32:25.029
to do something and I have a goal or whatever,

00:32:25.029 --> 00:32:28.950
I want to achieve it. And we talked about how

00:32:28.950 --> 00:32:32.230
do we get there? And these are all the different

00:32:32.230 --> 00:32:36.630
ways and stuff that we get there. But the result

00:32:36.630 --> 00:32:40.150
is going to be, how is it going to work out?

00:32:40.569 --> 00:32:43.769
How is the end result? What is the end result

00:32:43.769 --> 00:32:47.019
really going to be? and I could think about that,

00:32:47.079 --> 00:32:50.079
I could plan that, and that is ultimately gonna

00:32:50.079 --> 00:32:54.299
be part of my process. But to me, when something

00:32:54.299 --> 00:32:58.759
shifts, literally, is when my mind does a shift,

00:32:58.960 --> 00:33:03.380
I can really feel that part of that process working.

00:33:03.799 --> 00:33:07.180
Whether it's moving forward, or moving backward,

00:33:07.460 --> 00:33:09.819
because I'm a human being, I go forward and backward,

00:33:09.920 --> 00:33:13.259
I'm not a perfect person. But when I feel that,

00:33:13.299 --> 00:33:16.119
I know that it's working and people a lot of

00:33:16.119 --> 00:33:19.940
times can see it before I see it. So I think

00:33:19.940 --> 00:33:22.380
that they should tell me. I should ask them.

00:33:22.779 --> 00:33:25.559
I'm helping myself do something. Tell me if you

00:33:25.559 --> 00:33:28.420
see it before me. Tell me how I'm doing. Let

00:33:28.420 --> 00:33:31.880
me know. Then I could really be like, oh, I'm

00:33:31.880 --> 00:33:33.819
really, really doing something good for myself.

00:33:33.920 --> 00:33:37.019
But if I can feel that, then that's like a no

00:33:37.019 --> 00:33:40.240
brainer. That's what's happening. And one of

00:33:40.240 --> 00:33:43.359
the things that I'm learning to do is to trust

00:33:43.359 --> 00:33:47.539
in myself enough That I don't I want to give

00:33:47.539 --> 00:33:50.180
myself permission I'm accountable at the end

00:33:50.180 --> 00:33:53.400
of the day to God for my behavior and I care

00:33:53.400 --> 00:33:55.759
about the people around me and I do not want

00:33:55.759 --> 00:33:58.500
to hurt them and I'm accountable to them, but

00:33:58.500 --> 00:34:01.680
ultimately I can't subcontract out my self -worth

00:34:01.680 --> 00:34:04.319
to anybody else There's a limit there. There's

00:34:04.319 --> 00:34:07.500
a boundary that I am with you. I'm I you you

00:34:07.500 --> 00:34:10.610
really have to feel like the people around you

00:34:10.610 --> 00:34:12.429
see and appreciate the changes you're making.

00:34:12.769 --> 00:34:15.789
Yes, definitely. And your perspective speaks

00:34:15.789 --> 00:34:18.590
to anyone who looks capable on the outside, but

00:34:18.590 --> 00:34:21.530
knows this unfinished internal work asking for

00:34:21.530 --> 00:34:23.710
attention. I mean, that's we've talked about

00:34:23.710 --> 00:34:26.849
this the whole entire time. I mean, this is just

00:34:26.849 --> 00:34:30.349
one thing that everything on this podcast can

00:34:30.349 --> 00:34:32.869
help us with that, whether we think it's we want

00:34:32.869 --> 00:34:35.630
to change or whatever. If today's conversation

00:34:35.630 --> 00:34:37.889
resonated with you, you can learn more about

00:34:37.889 --> 00:34:41.369
Monica's work at HarmonyWealthAcademy .com. And

00:34:41.369 --> 00:34:44.070
as always, take what landed, leave what didn't,

00:34:44.230 --> 00:34:47.010
and trust that internal clarity arrives on its

00:34:47.010 --> 00:34:49.630
own timeline. Sometimes the most powerful shift

00:34:49.630 --> 00:34:52.050
is simply being willing to pause and listen.

00:34:52.469 --> 00:34:54.349
That's awesome. Thank you, Monica. Thank you

00:34:54.349 --> 00:34:56.349
for being on the show. I really appreciate it.

00:34:56.670 --> 00:34:58.730
Thank you for having me, and I've really enjoyed

00:34:58.730 --> 00:35:00.829
this. I wish everybody the best of luck.